Pixel Scoop

Ok, so this is very much off topic. But I thought I would share anyway. Enjoy the wonder of intoxication according to moi!

Intoxication has several stages between completely sober and waking up at 6am in a field, naked, with 6 cows, four sheep and a chicken and questioning the purpose of the, ahem, used condom to the side of you. NOTE:- I do NOT speak from personal experience. So here are those stages defined.

•    COMPLETE SOBRIETY: The world is as it is first thing on a Monday morning. There is crap to do, but it’s necessary and so be it. And there are the good things you get to do… but let’s get the work related crap out of the way first. All in all, sobriety is balance, a very sensible outlook on the world.
•    PRE-TIPSINESS: This occurs usually after the first two drinks (less if you’re a lightweight, more if you are a seasoned alcoholic). The world is still relatively normal, though those minor things that might once have made you chuckle to yourself for a second or so, now make you laugh out loud for at least ten seconds.
•    TIPSINESS: 3 – 4 drinks. Balance becomes moderately less important. The work related crap can wait until tomorrow. Let’s party.
•    THE BUZZ: Not only is everything that was once moderately funny, now hilarious. But everything that wasn’t even remotely amusing is now pretty funny as well. Whoops… did you just trip over? Perhaps straight lines are not quite 100% straight anymore.
•    THE SUPER-BUZZ: These non amusing things are now laugh-out-loud-for-minutes-on-end-without-breathing funny. Those around you who are also buzzed think you are hilarious. The non drinkers think you are an ass.
•    THE PRELIMINARY DRUNK STAGE:  Straight lines are becoming slowly incomprehensible. What should be a five metre walk to the bathroom becomes ten metres owing to your swaying. Laughter has been replaced by serious conversation. YOU and you alone have the answer to the world’s economic crisis. The answer….. CHEESE! And you must tell everyone!
•    THE DRUNK STAGE: You ARE drunk. There is no getting around it, you are drunk. In your mind you are now President of Earth. You have the answers to all of the political, religious, economic, philosophical and social problems in the world and you WILL tell EVERYONE.
•    SHITFACED: You have consumed twenty percent of your bodyweight in alcohol. Not only are are you clearly and visibly completely rat-arsed, but you feel the need to tell everyone you come into contact with that you are indeed wasted. Seventeen times. At least. More if they happen to pass you more than once. You still have all the answers to the world’s problems. Only now you are so completely wasted that you are incapable of controlling the muscles around your mouth for long enough to explain.
•    FOOOOOKED: The toilet it no longer a viable option for removing bodily waste. The 5 metre walk is now completely impossible to carry out unaided and owing to the puke down your shirt, nobody sober enough is prepared to assist you. Anyone not sober enough is simply too drunk to help. You must therefore piss/shit/spew all over yourself. This is dignity in its highest form. Rolling around scantily clad in ditches/fields/other surfaces is possible. You have accepted that tonight you may not make it home and have negotiated some comfortable sleeping arrangements with the local sheep. It is best never to speak of these arrangements ever again. With anyone.