Pixel Scoop

I’ve blogged before (somewhat hypocritically) about how it gets a little dull when everyone has such gorgeous avatars. I complain about this while my avatar prances about with his pretty boy hair and Calvin Klein model style torso, of course. But anyway, I continue to live by the motto ‘do as I say and not as I do’ and I am therefore justified in being a complete hypocrit.

But Jenee came across a place the other day that caters for those who prefer a more, well, extreme appearance. Loser Designs does pretty funny skins and shapes! The creator is Zolin Dae whose skins are far from the model perfect material we’re all used to seeing and include a ‘Junkie Whore’ with cuts, bruises, herpes around the mouth, track marks and all that other good stuff! There’s another female skin with a somewhat generous ‘happy trail’ leading to a very, very, very generous helping of hair in the nether regions! There’s skins with zits and all that good stuff too. Their shapes include one for women who fancy being obese in game and none of this stuff is overly pricey either! At just L$ 600 for a skin and L$150 for a shape, that’s much cheaper than the model perfect ones from the top designers!

Having Jenee model these for me was rather amusing. Her usual pixel perfect avatar became beaten, infected, covered in hickies, completely hairy and generally just, well…. unattractive. Yes she moaned and complained right throughout and then went on to babble about stray hairs on chins and about this could feasibly happen to a girl’s body if she stopped looking after herself, while urgh-ing and eww-ing about every single flaw on her avatar!

I find the concept of Loser Designs awesome! It’s great to see that while skin designers spend their time oiling up pixel perfect bodies, maintaining smooth complexions and making us vain avies look gorgeous, that there’s someone out there who actually wants us all to look fat, spotty and bruised enough to invest plenty of time into making it both possible and affordable! So technically, you can get herpes, love bitten, bruised and obese for less than the price of a Starbuck’s coffee! Hmm, now that’s something you’d only ever hear in Second Life™.

For any of you out there feeling the sudden urge to leave behind your beautiful avatar and become somewhat ghetto…for any of you eager to look like you have contracted every STD known to man while consuming four Burger King meals a day and fighting with anything that breathes, you can find Loser Designs here.

[NOTE] Jenee Marten wishes for it be made clear that she is none of the following:-
-Prostitute
-Street Fighter
-STD Breeding Ground
-Hairy

At which point I might as well clarify that neither am I. Just in case you were wondering.

Pixel Scoop has an in game publication! The first issue has just been released and is, well… probably fairly offensive. It’s pretty dry, kinda crude, not always so politically correct. But it does look pretty, thanks to the image work of Jenee Marten!

As well as an interview with the creator of ::Grim Babies:: this issue contains a little pixel poetry, an exclusive ‘PRIM BABY MURDER’ scoop and an incredibly informative guide on how (not) to get a job in game.

Just for convenience, I’ve also made this downloadable here in PDF format! Pixel Scoop Issue One!

If you prefer your version in world, are incredibly offended by PDFs, allergic to downloading or simply like the sound that those in game versions make when you turn the page, you can pick up Pixel Scoop in game from here!

Ok, I’ve just had a three hour and somewhat exhausting battle with PDFs so I think I’ll go moan and complain some place. Have fun!

Today I’m not going to relentlessly mock anybody, nor am I going to make up a terribly crude rhyme. I won’t even rain down on multiple virtual marriages. Today I actually want to lose all my man points with a very public display of sentiment. Call it social suicide, if you will.

Today is one year since I met Jenee. No, we didn’t have a pixel wedding, we don’t have pixel children and we don’t departner every week, get with someone else, end it with them after twenty four hours and come back for another go two days later. What we have actually is a fantastic relationship that I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take from the virtual world into a very real one. I am very fortunate indeed to have met someone so incredibly perfect for me.

For the record, prior to Jenee I “didn’t do” the online thing. Something about her changed all that. I still can’t put my finger on it, to be honest, but there is something so completely amazing about this girl that keeps me on my toes constantly.

I won’t make you all want to puke by going on and on…besides I would like to at least keep half a man point back if possible. I just felt something of a need to boast, if you will, about being officially the luckiest fella in the world to have bagged myself (and managed to keep for a year so far) this absolutely incredible lady.

Jenee, every single morning I wake up believing I couldn’t possibly love you anymore than I do, yet every single night I go to bed proven wrong.

I will return tomorrow with some incredibly offensive material in order to attempt to salvage some man points!

Is it just me who feels that the social event calendar of Second Life™ needs spicing up a little? Just take a look through the ‘nightlife’ category of the event listings and all you see are ‘best in’ style contests. Now that’s all good and well when the ‘best in’ is something that allows for a little imagination. But seriously, these monotone ‘Best in [insert colour here]‘ contests really are starting to become irritatingly dull to even look at in the listings.

“Whooooooo come down to Club Empty where DJ TrialVersionofSam will be spinning poor quality copyright breaching Limewire downloads of no particular genre for your listening satisfaction! And guess what?? Seriously, guess? You’ll never believe it. It’s best in RED!! Hang around here in your crappiest red clothes for two hours for your chance to an AMAZING prize of a whopping huge 10 Lindens!!!”

Seriously…best in red? That could be won by a 0.5×0.5×0.5 prim!

I mean, honestly. Can you imagine your social diary if you actually went to these events all the time?

MONDAY:
Went to Best in Blue at Club Bots. Came third. Thought I had it. My outfit was really elaborate you know. Danced my arse for two hours. Was sure I was gonna win ten Lindens. Then Patrick the Prim turned up…all perfect and square. All his friends voted for him. Not cos he looked the best! It’s a popularity contest. He wasn’t even there the whole time! And then, worse than that, the second place went to this chick who turned up like five minutes before the end just cos she flirted with the owner. I am furious.

TUESDAY:
Went to Best in Black at Club Lag. Came third. Thought I had it. My outfit was really, well…. black! Chatted with the host for the full two hours. Was sure I was gonna win ten Lindens. Then Patrick the Prim turned up…all perfect and square. All his friends voted for him. Not cos he looked the best! It’s a popularity contest. He wasn’t even there the whole time! And then, worse than that, the second place went to this chick who turned up like five minutes before the end just cos she flirted with the owner. I am disappointed.

WEDNESDAY:
Went to Best in Red at Club GestureHell. Came third. Thought I had it. My outfit was as red as ketchup. Stood around building up their traffic two hours. Was sure I was gonna win ten Lindens. Then Patrick the Prim turned up…all perfect and square. All his friends voted for him. Not cos he looked the best! It’s a popularity contest. He wasn’t even there the whole time! And then, worse than that, the second place went to this chick who turned up like five minutes before the end just cos she flirted with the owner. I am upset.

THURSDAY:
I was going to go to Best in Yellow at Club NoImagination but I opted instead for spontaneous human combustion while simultaneously poking pins in my eyes over and over and over again while being hung by my ankles over a cliff. Best day of the week so far.

I’m not saying don’t hold events for ‘Best in.’ I’m saying that there are more options for ‘Best in’ than the first colours that pop into your head. There are only so many times that a red shirt can make someone say “Wow don’t you look, erm, nice.”

Let’s liven it up? Anyone for Best in Linden Lookalike? (Cue fifteen pink and green Torley attempts at the nearest laggy club). Anyway, I best go… I’m off for some of that spontaneous human combustion.

When I’m down and feeling blue,
I rezz my balls and look at you.
And on you pop, right click, sit down,
You ride me madly… but what’s that frown?

Our bits don’t reach….I’m humping air.
Some newbies stop to stand and stare.
We’re out of sync, I want to taste,
But all I do is lick your waist!

You suck my thigh, I kiss your knee.
These poseballs just don’t work for me.
Stand up, give up…. I’ll look at you!
To Bits n Bobs for something new!!!!!

[NOTE] I’m not affiliated with Bits n Bobs!

Oh Ruth, oh Ruth.
Just where do I begin?
So fine was she with mullet hair
And weird, undetailed skin.

Seen almost in every place,
So very SL savvy,
But Ruth, my Ruth… what did they do?
REPLACED THE DEFAULT AVIES!

How can I begin
To even understand this hurt?
To accept that I’ll never see
That ugly purple shirt?

To see those who replaced you,
All happy, jovial smiles,
Wandering where you wandered
On those laggy newbie isles.

You’d been around forever.
Oh how were we to know,
That one cruel day in June 08,
That they would let you go?

And those who took your place, my Ruth,
They’ll never be as true,
As sweet, as kind, as kinda weird
As my unattractive you.

And now tis time to say goodbye,
And I must break the truth.
The fact is that you’re just a mong,
My quirky, ugly, Ruth.

Another dreaded invite,
For another dreaded do,
Must you marry all the time
And make me suffer too?

I don’t sit there cooing,
I am mostly AFK,
Or looking through inventory,
And throwing things away.

The first time was ok, I guess,
The second not so bad.
The third and fourth were kind of dull,
The fifth and sixth quite sad.

Seven was the worst, I think.
Eight and nine I missed!
Ten was fairly funny,
As I turned up really pissed!

I slept right through eleven,
Think I slept through twelve as well.
Thirteen, that was the longest
And fourteen was just Hell.

Before you go through fifteen,
Please just heed the words I say,
You’re not obliged to marry
Every av that looks your way!

Ok, I accept that I am not a good terraformer. I know where the tools are, I know what they do, but all my attempts lead to hills that look like breasts and ‘ponds’ that resemble craters. This is why, I do NOT terraform. Why would I want to make a plot of land look like a piece of shit?

But it seems that a fundamental lack of ability isn’t enough to put many off. While terraforming isn’t cheap, admitedly, if you really want a big job doing, I’d suggest either hiring someone who can do it or taking classes! Personally, I think terraforming requires a certain artistic edge that people simply either have or don’t. I don’t.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of dismal terraforming are those grid like sims! I suppose this is rather more a lack of terraforming than dismal terraforming but wow, they’re pretty bad! Seriously, imagination people! Who would think, ‘Ok so I have a sim here that I’d like to attract people to live on. Hmm, I know what I will do, I will cut it into rectangular blocks with no land shaping whatsoever. Now there’s a good idea!’

Then there’s those who, bless their cotton socks, do try. They try to terraform the sims but they find themselves with ’streams’ that look like they were put in place by a newborn and ‘ponds’ that look like, well, an accidental hole in the ground.

And then the hills that look like male genitals. Well…. this is a common occurance I noticed on my travels. Since when has a hill only ever been about a metre wide? I did encounter a few ‘hills’ that were nothing more than giant penis-like somethings sticking out of the ground. Allow me to illustrate.

Yes, I confess. I added the condom.

Anyway, there’s my rant. I know not everyone can afford to pay terraformers or buy expensive raw files and I imagine I’m opening up the floodgates for owners of the grid sims throwing things at me and wishing terrible things upon me. That’s ok. I don’t mind. If you can’t terraform and you can’t afford to buy a raw file or have someone do it for you, you have two options. Either go learn on the practice sims or don’t terraform. I wonder what looks worse…the slab of a sim as default when delivered by LL or a bad terraforming job. My guess is the latter.

Pixel Scoop can exclusively reveal today, to the extreme surprise of a large number of female avatars in game, that pixel pregnancies do NOT result in real babies. The news is shocking an in anticipation of the traumatic effect this will have on so many Second Life™ residents, Pixel Scoop volunteers are offering counselling by email. If you are in need of therapy after finding out that your one prim pregnancy attachment is not going to provide you with a real baby, please contact:

omfgthereisnobabyinsideyouravie@youhavetohavesextogetpregnant.com

Our therapists would love to assist.

For those of you sitting there, staring in disbelief at your pregnancy attachment and asking how it is that this can be, allow Pixel Scoop to clarify something for you. The gurgling and weird sounds that come from that attachment you wear are scripted. Those are just sounds. Not a baby. The green text that screams out to the entire population of the club you are in that your baby just moved or whatever, it is lies. Compulsive lies. Once again, this is caused by a script.

The news comes following funding into research on Pixel Pregnany by academic institutions worldwide. Verification can be obtained by speaking to your Doctor, who will gladly be able to explain how it is you might produce a real baby.

Ima pop a pixel cap
Right in your pixel ass.
Ima grief you senseless, yo
And I’m gonna make you crash.

I got pixel bullets, yo.
I’m da gangsta King.
I even got a doo rag, yo.
Just check dis freebie bling.

Yo, I’m on SLX right now,
I’m in the freebie bit,
Gonna get me a big rifle, yo
And all dat other gangsta shit.

I’m gonna get me griefer tools,
The freebie ones of course,
I’m gonna rezz those Mario cubes
You’ll feel my gangsta force.

I’m gonna be real tough, yo, sup,
When walkin’ round this game,
Ima get me bitches, yo.
I want pixel fame.

And then I’ll turn my PC off,
And have hot milk, so yummy.
Then get my PJs on and
Go to sleep next to my Mummy.