I’m getting frankly sick of going into sites (the one below was from Technorati.com) and seeing ‘miracle muscle build’ products being touted, something like this:

So, somewhat ‘inspired’ by that bullshit incredibly accurate and honest perception of what it takes to get in shape, I devised my own.

Presenting… The Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan.

Oh yes.... I will be a millionaire.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, “Oh my GOD! How could he possibly have created such an amazing plan?” Well let me tell you. It wasn’t easy. It took minutes and minutes of hard work. I lost sleep over it. Ok, that’s a lie. I didn’t. But I did drop one of my crackers while I was typing it up. The things I do for you people.

So what do you have to do to get a body like his?

- Sell your house.

- Visit www.getrippedoffcompletely.com/steroidaddicts. [Side note, that domain is available].

- Click on ‘buy now’ on the picture of a giant bottle of pill where it says $500000

- Your Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan formula pills will then be lovingly bottled by Vietnamese three year olds whose parents we are successfully threatening thanks to our newly built muscle.

- Sit back and await delivery. And no, smart ass… the delivery time is not included in the four hours.

- When your package arrives, simply remove all parts. You will find a giant bottle of pills, which is heavier than your scrawny-assed self. You will also find an even bigger bottle of fake tan in our special shade, Rusty-Orange.

- Get a giant glass of water and take ALL 50000 PILLS.

- While you are waiting for the Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan special formula plan pills to work, begin to apply the Rusty Orange tan. You will require a minimum seventeen layers, preferably more.

- Stand in front of the mirror and admire as your muscles miraculously pop from your torso, as your shoulders extend all by themselves with no gym work whatsoever, as you grow facial hair like you have been incapable of ever growing before and as your skin becomes more orange than a can of Fanta.

- Take a photograph of yourself wearing the same shorts you were wearing (yes, the formula is SO miraculous they do still fit) before.

- Et voila. You are now a toned, tanned sex god of steroid flavoured wonderfulness.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

As with any new medical revolution, there are questions surrounding it. I will attempt to answer these now.

Do I have to exercise to build muscle? Absolutely not. Muscle is built by MAGIC. That’s what’s in the formula…magic dust.

Is it ethical to employ Vietnamese babies to bottle up the magic? F**k you. I have muscles. I don’t need morals.

Is any special diet required to benefit fully from the wonder of this amazing muscle growing stuff? No, nothing at all.

So what exactly do I have to do in the four hours after taking the pills to make muscle grow? Surely there has to be something I have to do to build muscle? Apply your fake tan. Lots of it. And when you have done that, you should sit on your ass and watch television with a Big Mac and Coke.

Does the product contain steroids? My lawyer said I cannot discuss that.

Are there any side effects? There are one or two mild side effects but they generally only occur within the first 24 hours after taking the formula.

What are those side effects? Umm… you know. Just the usual side effects. But honestly, they only effect 75% of people who take the formula.

What are the side effects? Do I have to discu….. Oh I do. Ok, my lawyer says I have to mention this. The very mild side effects only affect three quarters of the people who take it. So don’t worry.It’s nothing hugely uncommon.

So what are they, jackass? Ah. Just dizziness, vomiting and death.

Awesome… where do I get mine? www.getrippedoffcompletely.com/steroidaddicts

Coming soon…. miracle cure for obesity. Be completely stick thin in just three minutes!

Tags: body building, muscle building, second life parody
Categories: Josue Habana Miracle Medications

This entry was posted on Monday, January 11th, 2010 at 8:57 pm and is filed under Josue Habana Miracle Medications. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.