Real Love in a Virtual World?
Can you really be in love with someone without ever meeting them?
That’s a question that myself and some friends were debating earlier on after one of my buddies declared his love for someone he met online and hasn’t met in person yet.
There were all sorts of opinions on it, of course. But it ties in quite nicely to Second Life and virtual world dating in general I suppose.
I have had 2 longer term “relationships” in Second Life as many of you know. And in both cases I cared deeply for the woman involved. In one case I thought I was in love.
Perhaps that’s they key: “thought.”
I’ve been talking to a couple I know who met in SL, then met in RL a whole 2 years later! They just got engaged in RL. When they had their SL wedding they talked about how in love they were. But now when you ask them, they say they were mistaken and that they weren’t really in love until some time after they had met.
So here’s a question for the psychologists or even just an issue for debate. Can you be in love with someone you meet in a virtual world without ever meeting them in person?
My answer: NO.
I believe:-
- You can care for someone deeply.
- You can develop a platonic love
- You can’t fall “in love” with that person though.
I think people fall in love with characters or with a fantasy or even with a hope.
That, for me, isn’t real love.
Maybe that’s how some married people are successfully able to separate SL and RL relationships (not that I believe that is acceptable – absolutely not).
When you are involved in something so intense, in an environment where you can date on the stars, or dance in the sky, visit space or picnic in castles every single day, it’s easy to get carried away. And it does feel real. It doesn’t stop when you turn the computer off, for example. But until you meet someone and experience “real world” dating and a “real” relationship (yes, including the physical) I don’t think you can really be in love with the person behind the avatar.
It took me a long time to learn that, largely because until you distance yourself from certain feelings or situations or move on to something “real life,” it’s impossible to find a comparison or to assess it objectively.
I believe people can meet in virtual worlds and go on to have successful RL marriages. I just honestly don’t believe “being in love” can happen without meeting someone in person first.
But anyhoooo, that is my opinion.
Yours?
Categories: Second Life
Az Afterthought
I think you’re right about falling for characters and hope, rather than people. There are so many gaps when it comes to getting to know someone online, it makes it really easy to turn someone into the person you want them to be.
Josue Habana
Yeh exactly, Az… turning them into people you “want” them to be.
It’s all focussed on the perfection and there’s no flaws or defects. And since nothing is perfect in reality, anything without flaws can’t be real.
Dale Innis
I dunno, I think the same argument would lead you to conclude that no one can fall in love in RL, either. There’s nothing magical about meeting someone in the flesh; we still know each other only to a certain extent, we can still (and maybe we always) fall in love with an idealization, an image, to some extent. That’s just how it works.
In SL at least we can’t be fooled by accidents of body-shape or genetics; everyone looks the way they want to look, and our appearances reflect our self-images rather than the genes we happened to inherit.
I might agree that there’s more danger of falling in love with an unrealistic ideal in virtual worlds. But saying that it’s *impossible* to “really” fall in love that way seems kinda arrogant to me…
Dale Innis recently posted..Thingmaker 3c- Now- in a box!
Josue Habana
I agree that you can easily be fooled in RL too… after all, nobody shows their flaws on a first date do they?
But I think Second Life confines people to this escapist fantasy in some ways, where romantic feelings are concerned.
I believe that you can fall in love with someone you meet in SL, after you have met them in RL. But I don’t think you can honestly say you are in love with someoen until you have met them in real life, taken your relationship out of the virtual realm and gotten to know someone in the flesh.
I don’t think it’s an arrogant statement at all. I said:-
“I just honestly don’t believe “being in love” can happen without meeting someone in person first.”
and I maintain it. Granted,it’s an opinion. But it’s an opinion I have gathered from experience and the people I was in those relationships with have, before, even agreed with it… after it all ended and we were able to look back objectively.
FaiFai
I think if both parties are completely and totally honest it can happen. i know because it happened for me. but how often are people totally honest with each other, especially when you havn’t met irl and have no rl consequences to not being honest.
so possible yes probable no.
Medina Juliesse
I met my RL husband on SL, we have been married for almost 2 years and are elatedly happy. Yes it is possible, but it is the exception to the rule.
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