Pixel Scoop

[2.45pm - Crescent Cove] Unexpected server errors forced frustration upon hundreds of residents this afternoon as ‘unexpected difficulties’ prevented profiles loading, texture uploads and other functions in game. However, more than the loss of functions, questions were raised about the definition of ‘unexpected’. Wordsmiths, lexicographers and vocabularly snobs from all over the globe reached for their references to double check the definition and all found the following:-

UNEXPECTED: not expected, foreseen or anticipated.

Confusion as to this definition arose owing to recent server performance, particularly on weekend days. This was all cleared up, however, when Linden Labs released the following excerpt from their own dictionary.

UNEXPECTED: An event that happens frequently. This adjective is used to describe perfectly anticipated events in such a way that allows the deflection of the true extent of technological issues being suffered by a company.

As well as the excerpt from their dictionary, a small statement was released. “Get over it. Pay up.”

We’ll keep you informed.

In case you don’t know or haven’t heard of it, ‘Second Skin’ is a documentary (due to be released in cinemas in September) which followed the lives of 16 people who spend a LOT of time in virtual worlds such as Second Life™. My understanding is that its focal point is indeed SL and there are a number of relevant themes brought to light - falling in love with someone in game, disabled people finding themselves doing in virtual worlds what they cannot in real life as well as real lives being completely torn apart by virtual world addiction! For more information about Second Skin, click here.

The documentary has been reviewed as being completely unbiassed, which will be refreshing if this is the case. Time will tell, however.

My issue with documentaries and the likes about such gaming habits were summed up in a recent BBC documentary, ‘Wonderland’ which dealt with couple who had met in Second Life. In particular it picked up on a woman living in the US (unhappily) married with three children. She met a guy from the UK in game and as a result her children became somewhat ‘non-priority’. She neglected her home and eventually went off to visit the guy in the UK. I won’t ruin the whole thing in case any of you care to look it up! I hear there are copies of this floating around certain unnamed video hosting sites

It just seems that, although fascinating, when people decide to cover virtual world gaming, they always pick the extreme people! Obviously, this makes good TV! But just because one woman somewhere decided that she no longer particularly cared to cook and clean for, or even speak to her husband and children, doesn’t mean that every single female who plays is  a heartless, evil bitch! Nor does it mean that every single guy who logs on sleeps with his head on his computer for fear of missing a single second of virtual action. But such is TV, I guess. I hope to see Second Skin, for interest’s sake. And I also hope it isn’t as sentationalist as previous attempts at documenting SL have been.

Linden Labs announced on their blog the other day that they are seeking out talented in world animators to come up with a new default walk to get rid of that newbie duck walk. This comes shortly after they released umpteen new, less newbie looking avatars too. So it’sclear for all to see that Linden Labs are finally taking note of the number of avatars set up, used just once and forgotten about for the rest of eternity. The thousands upon thousands of empty ‘old’ avie profiles will be solved, they think (in part at least) by allowing new residents to already look half decent and to be able to walk without it looking as though they just consumed the vodka supply of Russia.

Now, call me controversial here, but I would think their usage statistics might increase if people were able to log on when they tried, were able to teleport between places successfully, buy things, sell things (without transactions errors and list of people who need items resending) and generally perform the basic, essential functions of the game. If you’d just signed up, would you be more concerned by the fact your avatar’s skin is just a beige coloured sheet… or by the fact you can’t seem to login on your second attempt? Once again, allow me to make a suggestions for the Linden Labs PR team:-

“Dear Residents,

We would like to make you aware of our intentions to invest a suitable amount of time and effort into the creation and marketing of our new ‘newbie’ avatars and pending new default walk. Under the current circumstances, where transaction failures and those pesky in world service issues are fairly common, we thought we would like to disguise our shortcomings to the new avatars by making them real pretty with a nice walk. We figure that if it’s easier for them to look good and mingle with older avatars, at least for the few occasions on which they can actually login, they will feel a little better. Of course this goes no way to resolving the transaction errors, the asset server issues and all that good stuff. But please be consoled in regards to the recent poor performance by the knowledge that the sky is so pretty now and, oooooh, look at those water ripples. If that does’t go enough way to consoling you, then perhaps the charitable element of your avatar’s soul will enjoy the fact that YOUR money really is making a REAL difference. In fact, we were able to send 12 moderately wealthy directors off with bonuses substantial enough to ensure they’re now incredibly wealthy. Think of their children’s faces when Daddy unveils a Ferrari for their 17th birthdays or a pony for Christmas.

Anyway, folks, we just thought we’d let you know where we’re currently wasting, umm, I mean using our resources. Have a nice day.”

I still want a PR job there.

So, while perusing that secondlifegrid.net site I came across the graph that Linden Labs have very kindly provided us with, detailing their service outages for the latter half of 2007. The full story can be found here. Here’s their graph:

Isn’t that pretty? Someone must have had fun playing in Excel to come up with that instead of fixing the problems. Lovely. Anyway, given my enthusiasm for assisting Linden Labs in coming up with honest and real press releases and information for their adoring public, I offer you my very own forecasted service statistics for the second half of 2008. Please note that these statistics are based on very close analysis of service metrics from the last 12 months. Observing such publicly released information and combining this with recent service status posts, I was able to forecast (very accurately, I believe) the next 6 months. Just call me psychic.

As you can see, the next 6 months will see an increase in resident financial rape, consistent with continually rising grid f***age. Financial rape will maintain its position at a slightly lower level than f***age until around the beginning of December, when I forecast levelling out. But, you know, it really doesn’t matter how bad the news is, cos look how pretty my graph is! And if it gets worse than this, well just look how pretty the pixel sky is. Does it really even matter if nothing works when you can make the virtual sun reflect off the sea?! I think not.

Thankfully, the British Government has just announced proposals to criminalise possession of cartoon or computer generated images of child pornography. (Full story here). This follows an investigation carried out in Second Life™ by a Sky News journalist which uncovered some pretty sick stuff.

My question is this. Why has it taken so long for people to actually wake up and consider this a criminal act? Anyone who gets any sexual gratification from age play, in my opinion, whether it be pixelated or otherwise, has paedophilic tendencies and is therefore a danger to children.

To be honest, I find the whole kiddie avatar thing all a bit bizarre. Admitedly, SL is a place everyone can come to, roleplay and enjoy an escapist atmosphere. But why would anyone want to run around pretending to be four? I just don’t get it. Even those who have absolutely no sexual intentions whatsoever surely must know they will stumble upon those who do! And ok, I know it isn’t fair that those without the intentions should be asked not to roleplay just because of the sick few who do, but let’s exercise some common sense with this!

Well, reading back over this I got a little serious today. I can’t really end something like this on a witty note though, I guess, so we’re all serious today, it seems. Ahem.

Normal service will resume tomorrow.

Well I’ve just been on the bad news page (sorry, sorry! I mean the ’status’ page) reading back over the May posts. Just to summarise for you:

May 1st:
[Some regions not coming up or have broken region presence]
[Partial phone support disruption]
[Second Life in-world service issues]
[Transaction history unavailable]

May 2nd:
[Login and other db-related services slow]
[Some webservers not showing current transaction history]

May 3rd:
[Database disruptions]
[700+ regions currently unreachable]

May 4th:
[Phone Support down]

May 5th
[Database Issues]

May 7th
[Support portal temporarily unavailable]

May 9th
[Second Life traffic issues]
[Partial Grid Disconnect]

May 11th
[Asset Server problems]

May 12th
[LindeX and Land transactions failing]
[Number of asset servers offline]

May 13th
[In world services disrupted]

May 14th
[Outdated map data]

May 16th
[Asset, map, login and teleport issues]
[Traffic calculation issue]

May 19th
[Residents unable to login]

If you’re still alive and have not committed suicide owing to boredom after reading that list, then we shall continue. I’m not one to expect things to run perfectly all the time. Especially not within a system as complex as this one. However, call me a naive optimist here, but to only have 7 days in 19 without problems of some sort is getting pretty diabolical. But anyway, there isn’t a great deal I can do about it other than stand back, point and laugh at the misfortune of those responsible for trying to fix this! But, once again, allow me to offer my suggestions for a press release about the May issues!

“Dear Residents of Second Life,

Here we are approaching the end of May. And it has not been quite as successful a month as we may have liked. However, you’re all still being charged as during a 19 day period there were only 21 separate issues that may have caused you some minor inconvenience. In order for us to reimburse any monies paid to Second Life there has to be at least 199932098 separate instances of problems on the grid. Allow me to refer you to this clause in our Terms of Service:

Clause 99.1111: In signing up to Second Life, you agree that you will pay for a service you may not actually get. Sometimes you will not be able to log in. Sometimes you will not be able to teleport. Sometimes you will pay for things you will never actually receive and on occasion we will overcharge you as well. Regardless of anything failing, any overcharging, anything going completely wrong or the essential breakdown of the entire service, upon checking that box at the bottom you agree that Linden Labs have the right to financially rape you for the rest of your sorry existence…or at least until we have some real competition from somewhere. PS you will probably require a magnifying glass to read this clause.

Furthermore, please allow me to clarify definitions of some commonly used terminology on the status site. Firstly, ‘Resolved’. Taken from the Linden Dictionary, this term means, ‘Temporarily hidden.’ In addition, the phrase ‘Asset Server Issues’ means ‘Absolutely 100% completely broken’.

Well, thank you once again for another great banking month for us. I will leave you now, as I have a limousine waiting to take me to the airport where I am going to depart for a 6 month long 5 star luxury holiday with fifteen Playboy bunnies. Plus, before doing this, I have several mansions to purchase for the staff…. bonusses for their successful operating of Second Life, you know. Anyway, such a hard life. Thanks once again and all that good stuff and we look forward to continued financial rape.

All the best,

The Big Guy in Charge.”

Perhaps the most unfortunate thing about that heading up there is the fact I’m not joking! The Guardian (UK broadsheet newpaper) reported on May 10th that as a joint venture between the Spanish Society for Family and Community Medicine (FYC) and the Coalition for Citizens with Chronic Illnesses, an embarassing ailments clinic will be opening up to younger people who they feel may otherwise not go to see doctors. It will target the groups of self-conscious people with ‘embarrassing’ illnesses, including sexually transmitted infections, who may otherwise not seek any medical attention. The clinic will be located on ‘Isla de Salud’ (Health Island). Real doctors will login to answer questions and there will also be webcam appointments offered. For more information on this story please see http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/may/10/secondlife.spain

Now, I would never question the value of SL™ in assisting people with certain mental illnesses or depression. In fact,there are a number of non-profit real life organisations helping people out in game. I believe confidence and so on can be built up in an environment such as Second Life. Autistic youngsters have also been assisted in improving social skills through this medium.

But physical problems? Seriously? Would you teleport over to this sim and send an avatar an IM saying, “Well the thing is, doc, I’ve got these wart things on my doo-daa and they’re a bit uncomfortable.” Even if I did have wart things on my doo-daa, I certainly wouldn’t! And as for webcam appointments. Well…. erm. How can I put this diplomatically? It’s all a bit freaky. “Warts you say? Well you best get on webcam and show me.” It’s an automatic reaction of mine, despite knowing that these doctors are legitimate, to think, ‘Wow you pervert. Want people to get their bits out on cam for you?’ Yes, I’m cynical.

And you know what, even if you do show them/explain to them the problem, what can they do? Give you a virtual prescription and send you off to a pixel pharmacy for some non-existent cream? Send you off to Xcite to replace your STD ridden genitalea with some nice new, interactive, technologically advanced tackle? Offer you 50% off new genitals if you receive a medical note saying your current ones are running wild with crabs?! I suspect not. I suspect that all they would do is tell you to go and see your doctor. Which deems this whole exercise pointless as the whole intention of it is to target people who won’t go and see their doctor. And if they’re going to be paying these doctors a small fortune to laugh at people on cam before saying, “Go to see you doctor,” I want that job!!

Guess what? You’ll never believe it!! Second Life™ has restricted logins to staff only for another Sunday afternoon because of… wait for it, drum roll please….. ASSET SERVER ISSUES! Apparently the asset storage cluster failed.

“[11:41 am - UPDATE] Logins to Second Life are being restricted while we investigate.

We are receiving reports of our asset storage cluster failing. Symptoms you might see include failure to rez, open notecards or photos, access your inventory.

Please refrain from trying to rez or work on builds at this point in time.

We’re investigating and will get back to you with information as soon as possible.”

I thought, since I am in a generous mood, I would translate this into plain English for any other non techno-linguists!

“[11:41 am - UPDATE] You can’t login to Second Life again. Logging in is not deemed an essential part of our service. We’re receiving reports of everything being completely messed up again. So once again no building, rezzing, general movement or breathing please - also no-essential elements of the SL service.

The chances are, really, that we won’t do much about it. We’re still busy drawing skies and waters afterall. I drew this amazing cloud the other day. It was pinkish and…. oh, hang on. I’m being told that’s irrelevant. Anyway, we probably won’t fix it. But we’ll close logins to ensure fewer people online and so fewer people bitching about the problems. This also gives us time to think up another reason for these problems. ‘Asset server problems’ is becoming a little overused, don’t you think?

Anyway, I’m off to put my feet up. We’ll update you with some more completely useless information as and when.”

Research carried out by myself (scientifically accurately as well, of course. Ahem) has revealed astonishing results today. It seems that well over 80% of child avatars who declare themselves to be 5 years of age or older still suffer with numerous baby talk habits and various speech impediments. The most common of these problems are certainly phonemic disorders, whereby the child seems unable to pronounce or differentiate between sounds. I am sure you have all had the great “pleasure” of being greeted by a child (and I use the term reluctantly) with an incredibly annoying gesture which plays the sound of some satanic little girl laughing like she just murdered Santa Clause and text across your screen incorporating millions of completely unnecessary symbols (which apparently look pretty) and the word, ‘Hewwo’. Yes, ‘hewwo’. Now, upon first meeting some of these child avatars you’d be forgiven for thinking they speak a completely different language. The vast majority of words that use the letter L, I have found, are completely raped (forgive my language) by many child avatars. It seems these people have an affiliation with the letter W, as not only do Ls get replaced with them, but so do Rs (’vewy’ as a criminal example). Now, here’s a question. How many 5 - 10 year olds do you know who are still incapable of putting together a sentence? Not very many, I’d imagine. So why, oh why, do so many of SL’s ‘children’ seem to struggle to grasp the basic concept of words?

Now, roleplaying is all good and well. And people have their reasons for wanting to play child avatars I guess. Personally, I find it somewhat disturbing that someone would want to log into Second Life, just to run around screaming bad English and shouting for their ‘Mummy’. In fact, it is pretty freaky, if you ask me. Alright, sometimes it’s nice to be childish. When I want to be childish I throw a glass of water over someone for no reason, show my ass when I’m drunk or tell a joke that is so bad that it actually becomes vaguely amusing. I personally don’t find it necessary to make my avatar a child, reach for the nearest pixel pacifier, lose all grasp of the English language and start playing weird kiddie noises. But, whatever floats your boat. To each their own and all that! However, one request to child avatars. If you’re playing a seven year old, maybe consider the fact that by seven most kids can just about manage the word “Hello” and those who can’t are generally receiving some sort of speech therapy. All this running around with teddy bears under your arms, diapers on and making bizarre attempts at speech is reminiscent of some sort of nightmare set on another planet. In another world. Preferably.

Anyone planning to set up Second Life speech therapy for child avatars yet?

BREAKING NEWS! For only the infinillionth time in 2 months, there are Second Life™ problems. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it isn’t possible right? How could it be? Nobody would ever expect something as reliable as SL to have problems would they? I simply can’t believe it! But, alas, tis true!

“Second Life Offline for Database Maintenance or Update

In our continuing effort to improve your Second Life experience, we have taken Second Life temporarily offline for maintenance. This may also effect portions of our website. We are working to re-open our doors as quickly as possible and we appreciate your continued patience. For more details and further information on current system status, please visit the Second Life Grid Status Report at status.secondlifegrid.net.”

Now, just a question. How is taking it offline improving our experience? Is the situation so bad now that the only way things can get any better is if they close the whole thing? Between transaction history being down, the phone lines being “partially disrupted” and now the whole thing being taken offline, I’d say today hasn’t been the best day for our Linden Labourers! However, I do have a PR suggestion for them. Perhaps translating their notifications into honesty would be advisable. Something like this, maybe:

“Second Life Offline because it is completely screwed

In our continuing effort to try and fix this thing, some of us got a bit bored and wanted to make pretty skies and water instead. So because we’re still having loads of problems and the people who ought to be fixing it are drawing pretty pictures, we’re a little bit screwed right now. We’re going to close down for a short while in order to think of something to blame for the issue and deflect any criticism from ourselves. This may also effect portions of our website. Thanks for your continued anger and frustration. For more details and further information on current system status, please visit the Second Life Grid Status Report at status.secondlifegrid.net which is the new home of bad news! We sort of hoped if we changed the location a bit people might struggle to find the bad news more and the blog page looks like an all round happier place to be. So there. If you have any questions/queries/problems, it’s probably a bit tough as the phone support doesn’t work and we probably won’t respond to your ticket. You may be better of emailing god@heaven.com as he is more likely to repond (in a timely fashion). Thank you and good night.”

Hmm, wonder if they need a new PR assistant!