Second Life Blogs | Pixel Scoop | Virtual Worlds News

Ok, so not so much Second Life related. But I don’t care. It’s Christmas!

Today, Skylar Smythe sent this email around:-

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost AND keep track of which child is getting which present.

So…. I figured it was time we updated Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in light of this new discovery.

Rudolph The Red Nosed (Female) Reindeer

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,
Had a closet full of clothes,
And, so the others tell me
Shoes and bags lined up in rows…

All of the other reindeer,
Used to talk behind her back,
They said that Rudolph’s bootie,
Had more junk than Santa’s sack…

Then one freezing Christmas eve,
Santa came to say,
“Rudolph with your many clothes,
Won’t you lend the girls some coats?”

Then all the reindeer loved her
And they shouted out with glee,
“Rudolph the red nosed reindeer,
What a lovely gal is she!”

/me goes off in search of someone to record his new hit Christmas song….

Let me tell you all a tale,
Of a man and his virtual wife,
A tale that begins in a little known place
That goes by the name, ‘Second Life.’
Now as any good teller of tales will profess,
It serves but to cause deep offence,
To omit introducing the character list
Before you decide to commence.
So let me present to you Sally and Bob,
The heroes of this pixel tale.
Sally’s an escort, doesn’t use voice,
Cos in real life Sally’s a male!
Bob is a camper by Second Life trade,
He’s truly a man at his peak,
A super successful sitter-arounder
On fifty-nine Lindens a week!
The story begins some three weeks ago,
When Bob, in his usual fashion,
Was sitting around in a copybot mall,
Saving up for some hot pixel passion.
At the very same time in a new escort joint,
Sally was earning a ton.
It seems she’s talented, very much so,
When it comes to the text pixel fun!
But back at the mall, things were not going well,
For poor, lonely, horny, old Bob.
At the rate of his pay, he’d have to stay there
A month to afford a blow job!
He sighed and he cried and moaned out aloud,
Stood up and he screamed, “That’s enough,”
He TPed away to that same escort joint
Where our Sally was strutting her stuff!
He only planned to look around,
His cash flow being such,
That he could only perv and stare,
Could not afford to touch.
And that was fine, he knew the line,
He’d just watch them prancing,
But when he saw our Sally’s moves
His Xcite! started dancing!
His eyes were wide and focussed on
Her slender pixel frame.
She caught his glance and stopped her dance
And stared at him the same!
She stepped down from her dance pole,
And right there, in open chat,
Typed, “Bobby, baby, you and I…
A freebie. Fancy that?”
And so began a love affair,
That blew them both away.
Deciding they were soul mates,
They got married that same day.
They partnered up and got a plot,
On a flat and grid-styled sim,
It wasn’t much to look at
But they had a thousand prims!
They got a pixel cottage,
A stable and a shed,
An animated shower
And a freebie sex-gen bed.
However, what they failed to do,
Was use pixel protection,
And in their first five days
They had 6 kids and 4 infections!
But this did not deter their love,
Their happiness remained…
Until week three, that is of course,
When things started to change.
The asset server crashed one day,
Deleted all their babies…
Their sim got lagged, their TPs failed,
Their pixel dog got rabies.
Linden Lab banned camping,
The adult changes came,
The escort clubs lost business
And things were not the same.
“Bob,” said Sally, just last week,
“You and I… we’re through.”
“No,” cried Bob, tears in his eyes,
“you can’t… I still love you.”
“I will not let you walk away,
You cannot. I forbid!!
And if you do, I’ll make ten alts
And stalk you round the grid.”
“Bob…” she said, her head hung low,
“I cannot be your wife.
I think that I should tell you.
I’m a guy in real life!”
Bob’s crying turned to laughter,
And he roared through eyes, still blurry
“Ha,” he screamed, “You think that’s bad?
“Well I’m a real life furry!”

Maybe you know the famous poem by William Henry Davies called ‘Leisure’. For those of you who don’t, you can read that by clicking here. It’s the one that starts, ‘What is this life if full of care, we have no time ti stand and stare.’ Beautiful poem actually, rather simple.

Anyway, here is my own Second Life™ version, since I evidently have too much time on my hands.

What is this life if, due to bling,
We’re far too blind to see a thing?

Too blind to see the newbies fly,
To see them build, at least to try.

Too blind to see the gangster’s shoes,
So big they look just like canoes.

Too blind to see the griefing scenes,
By all those pre-pubescent teens.

Too blind to watch the Lindens frown,
When asset servers all go down.

Too blind to see the pixel passion,
Or teleport in timely fashion.

I’d like to see so many things,
So please stop blinding me with BLING!

Alrighty, so it was originally back in July last year that I posted this little rhyme. However, I have had a couple of requests for a bump back up to the first page in honour of Valentine’s Day.

For the record I detest Valentine’s Day whatever my personal status on that day. It’s just an excuse for tacky gift companies to cash in and for people to feel obligated to be overly sentimental. I hate fake or forced sentiment. Anyway, enough of my bitching. As requested, a repost of that Pixel Love whatsit! Enjoy!

I swear upon these pixel shoes,
(The ones stuck up my ass),
To never, ever leave your side,
(Unless, of course, I crash).

I swear to never look upon
Another pixel chick,
To always check for updates
For my interactive d***.

I’ll even pay that hefty fee,
Ten Lindens or whatever,
To get you in my partner box,
Where you will stay forever.

I’ll keep you in my profile,
Where I’ll write such loving things.
I’ll never wear bandanas,
Or that freebie gangsta bling.

I promise not to change my av,
Or wear a hover text watch.
All these things I swear
Upon the hair stuck at my crotch.

When the asset server fails us,
And transactions all go down,
When teleports cannot complete,
I’ll still be around.

But should you ever leave me,
I’ll drag you through the pixel courts,
And make you pay that twenty five
For our virtual divorce!

Ok, so it isn’t Second Life™ related. But have my little rhyme anyway!

Roses are red,
but who gives a shit?
Dog turd is brown but
We don’t write ’bout it!
Roses are cliched,
Valentines suck!
‘Oh but the love hearts….’
Well who gives a fuck?
I just want to gauge out
The eyes from my socket,
Each time I’m forced to
Line gift maker’s pockets!
So here is my plan,
Here’s what I will do,
This Valentine’s day,
I am saying “Screw you”
To the card makers, gift sellers,
The corporate whores,
To the hotels and restaurants
All charging more!!
I’m putting my foot down,
A man, not a mouse…
Now excuse me my friends,
While I find my dog house.

There was once a Turkey called Fred,
Who had his own room, king size bed,
He was the farmer’s fave bird,
But…. guess what I heard??
This Christmas he’s going to be dead.

The farmer’s son was called Ben,
He was just a young boy, only ten.
Had he known the planned end,
For his dear turkey friend,
Things might just have been different then.

On Christmas day night round the telly,
While eating their custard and jelly,
Dad felt it was time,
To tell Ben the crime,
And said, “Son, you’ve got Fred in your belly!”

Merry Christmas all and have a wonderful day!

In celebration of my superbly festive mood (still) I have reworked another Christmas classic to fit the crazy world of Second Life™.

Vampire bite,
Bling so bright,
Teleports,
Human flight!
Changing waist size in just one click!
Purchasing nipples and asses and dicks
Only here in SL™!
Only here in SL!

Griefers with tools,
Sad little fools,
Shouldn’t they
Be at school?
Gangstas with rifles in place of their brains,
Sad little weirdos with dollar sign chains,
Plenty here in SL,
Plenty here in SL!

In celebration of my sickeningly happy (and somewhat uncharacteristic) festive mood, I have reworked the lyrics to that much loved Christmas classic, ‘Jingle Bells’ to make it a little more relevant to Second Life™.

Dashing round the grid,
With a big-ass blingin’ watch,
Shoes stuck up my ass
hair stuck at my crotch,
Bloodlines HUD attached,
Spamming all the noobs,
Sending IMs to ‘em asking,
‘Can I bite yer boobs?’

Oh Jingle Bots, jingle bots,
Traffic’s 90k,
With fifty avies sitting in
A big skybox all day
Oh jingle bots, jingle bots
Traffic’s 90k,
With fifty avies sitting in
a big skybox all day!

The network is in bits,
The grid’s been down some time,
But don’t you worry guys and gals,
The payment server’s fine!
Santa Linden’s here,
In the season of good will,
With a Christmas card for all of you
And a new increased tier bill!

Oh Jingle bots, Jingle Bots
traffic’s 90k,
With 50 avies sitting in
A big skybox all day,
Oh jingle bots, jingle bots,
traffic’s 90k,
with 50 avies sitting in
A big skybox all day!!!!

I feel a little fat today,
I’ll move my belly slider,
It’s great how I stay slim
Despite six pizzas every Friday.

Look at the guy over there,
Dressed up like a Knight,
Hitting on my girlfriend
With his over zealous height.

No matter, not to worry,
All his chat up lines will fail,
When I adjust my height
To be 100 on that scale!

Oh run away now little man,
Quick, go on now! Flee!
Now I’ve got toned biceps too!
You’re nothing next to me.

And if you come back taller,
Trying to beat me at my best,
I’ll simply slide again
And get a super toned up chest!

And as if that’s not enough,
About which I can brag,
Into appearance one more time,
To increase my duffel bag!!

When I’m down and feeling blue,
I rezz my balls and look at you.
And on you pop, right click, sit down,
You ride me madly… but what’s that frown?

Our bits don’t reach….I’m humping air.
Some newbies stop to stand and stare.
We’re out of sync, I want to taste,
But all I do is lick your waist!

You suck my thigh, I kiss your knee.
These poseballs just don’t work for me.
Stand up, give up…. I’ll look at you!
To Bits n Bobs for something new!!!!!

[NOTE] I’m not affiliated with Bits n Bobs!