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Yes, I’ve ranted on this before. But it just seems to be getting a million times worse. Before I begin, ‘Spampires’ was a word used by Emilly Orr in a comment response to my letter from Dracula to Bloodlines. I liked the word and thus I am stealing it. But I heard it from her first!

Anyway, in my opinion, any stupid blue dialog box sent in an unsolicited manner is spamming! And since this is happening several times a week now I am getting thoroughly pissed off. The options on that bite request are basically ‘Yes you can bite me,’ or ‘No you can’t’. Might I suggest to the creator that the options should include a button which prevents you from EVER receiving a request from that game again? Something along the lines of, ‘Yes, bite me. I want to play your silly game,’ ‘No. You can’t bite me but maybe if your hot friend asks I will let her,’ and ‘NO. I’M NOT A TASTY FUCKING SNACK! AND IF I GET ONE MORE REQUEST I AM GOING TO SHOVE GARLIC DOWN THE THROATS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.’

Just a thought.

Dear Bloodlines,

My name is Dracula and I write in regard to some of your practices. It seems that the way in which you do things is beginning to raise eyebrows back at Vampire Headquarters.

Now, I am certainly not the overlord of all things Vampiric. However, I am regarded as something of a figurehead for our kind and certainly have been around long enough to have seen the progression of our species. I therefore feel it my duty to bring to your attention the following points I made upon observing your kind for a number of weeks.

1. The process of becoming a vampire really isn’t anything to do with your silly HUD. Honestly, a button that turns off the blood from your fangs? Really? Come off it! The best way to remove the Blood from your fangs is to lick them dry!

2. Sending a message to people prior to biting them really is incredibly bizarre. For centuries our kind have hunted in urban areas, rural areas…everywhere the world wide. But never once have we sent anyone a message asking their permission for a bite? It just doesn’t work like that. Might I suggest instead that your people spend some time practicing the lurking in dark alleys method and jumping out on people, a means preferred by some of the more amateur among our kind.

3. Storing the names of the souls you have taken on bloody databases is ludicrous! You don’t need to add your lunch to your Christmas card list! What do you think we did prior to server farms and computers? Nothing! You don’t need to know the name of your latest snack! And if you do want to brag about your bites, then do so verbally and informally. If anyone is going to win the prize for most human blood drank it is me! So you’re all wasting your time anyway!

4. What is with the crazy facial animation you all make when you bite someone? You’re having a snack… you’re not constipated! Your eyes don’t need to fly out of their sockets. Honestly, people, in my early days if I had seen our kind looking like that, I would have sent them to surgeons to get help with their facial distortion.

5. Who on Earth invented this potion thing you can drink to reclaim your soul? I need say nothing more than what a con.

So as you see there are a number of items of concern. In fact, looking back over I have to put it to you that you are not vampires at all, but instead are a form of extra terrestrial attention whores. I cannot think of a catchier name, I am afraid. If you believe me to be wrong and insist upon maintaining that you are indeed vampires, then might I suggest you invest in a copy of “Being Vampires for Dummies.”

Regards,

Count Dracula

If I get one more stupid request from someone wanting to bite me, I am going to…well… I can’t think of exactly what I will do right now, but still. I will do something. Maybe I will scream. Perhaps I will curse. I may stamp my feet and send a torrent of abuse in the direction of my monitor. Or perhaps I will do none of the above and instead do what I usually do, which is say, “If I get one more stupid request from someone wanting to bite me….”

But anyway. It’s annoying. Why on Earth would someone IM a complete stranger and say, “Can I bite you please?” In real life, I’d have them done for common assault if they tried to bite me. How many times do I have to reiterate to these people that I am not a bloody pizza, I’m not a juicy steak, I will NEVER be a tasty bowl of pasta and despite what their HUD tells them I do not taste incredible and I am certainly not prime frikkin Vampire food. And not only do these ‘Vampires’ want to bite me. They want to bite me and then have me go purchase some daft bloody game in order that they can claim the credit for my soul?

Under the irritating circumstances of this becoming more and more frequent, I thought I would take a little look at the Bloodlines website.

It’s all about collecting ’souls’ which, in my humble opinion translates to go around pissing people off with stupid ‘Can I bite you?’ IMs. And how very unvampire-like. In all the Vampire movies I have seen, there isn’t a single one in which the vampire stops before biting in order that he can send a courteous IM to check that it’s ok! Dracula definitely did NOT do that.

The FAQs on the Bloodlines website make for some interesting reading. One of them, for example, asks, ‘My fangs are attached, but the bite still isn’t working. What should I do?’ My personal answer would be to go see a dentist. Their suggestion is to rezz a new set, but whatever. Another question on their FAQ page is, and I quote, ‘My gender isn’t set correctly, how do I change it?’ According to Bloodlines, changing gender is a click of the mouse. And there was me thinking it was all about hormone supplements and extensive surgery…

But of my pick of their FAQs, I save the best for last. Allow me to share my favourite of their questions and its answer:

“I joined bloodlines, and my soul went to the first person who bit me, and I don’t know them. I wanted to give it to my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, and my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is upset that someone else has my soul. Can you fix this?
Unfortunately, we can’t undo a bite. Once you’re bitten by someone, it’s permanent. If you were attacked by a vampire in real life, there would be no way to undo it. However, just because someone else has your soul doesn’t mean that you’re linked to them, you can still pledge allegiance to anyone or join any clan.”

Erm, did I read that right? “If you were attacked by a Vampire in real life there would be no way to undo it?” Seriously, if I was attacked by a vampire in real life I would be admitting myself to the nearest psychiatric ward and asking them to stop the hallucinations!

Anyway, I’m done ranting now. I feel much better.