I’m getting frankly sick of going into sites (the one below was from Technorati.com) and seeing ‘miracle muscle build’ products being touted, something like this:

So, somewhat ‘inspired’ by that bullshit incredibly accurate and honest perception of what it takes to get in shape, I devised my own.

Presenting… The Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan.

Oh yes.... I will be a millionaire.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, “Oh my GOD! How could he possibly have created such an amazing plan?” Well let me tell you. It wasn’t easy. It took minutes and minutes of hard work. I lost sleep over it. Ok, that’s a lie. I didn’t. But I did drop one of my crackers while I was typing it up. The things I do for you people.

So what do you have to do to get a body like his?

- Sell your house.

- Visit www.getrippedoffcompletely.com/steroidaddicts. [Side note, that domain is available].

- Click on ‘buy now’ on the picture of a giant bottle of pill where it says $500000

- Your Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan formula pills will then be lovingly bottled by Vietnamese three year olds whose parents we are successfully threatening thanks to our newly built muscle.

- Sit back and await delivery. And no, smart ass… the delivery time is not included in the four hours.

- When your package arrives, simply remove all parts. You will find a giant bottle of pills, which is heavier than your scrawny-assed self. You will also find an even bigger bottle of fake tan in our special shade, Rusty-Orange.

- Get a giant glass of water and take ALL 50000 PILLS.

- While you are waiting for the Josue Habana Super-Duper-Uber-Awesome-Arnie-Pumping-Miracle-Muscle-Building-Plan special formula plan pills to work, begin to apply the Rusty Orange tan. You will require a minimum seventeen layers, preferably more.

- Stand in front of the mirror and admire as your muscles miraculously pop from your torso, as your shoulders extend all by themselves with no gym work whatsoever, as you grow facial hair like you have been incapable of ever growing before and as your skin becomes more orange than a can of Fanta.

- Take a photograph of yourself wearing the same shorts you were wearing (yes, the formula is SO miraculous they do still fit) before.

- Et voila. You are now a toned, tanned sex god of steroid flavoured wonderfulness.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

As with any new medical revolution, there are questions surrounding it. I will attempt to answer these now.

Do I have to exercise to build muscle? Absolutely not. Muscle is built by MAGIC. That’s what’s in the formula…magic dust.

Is it ethical to employ Vietnamese babies to bottle up the magic? F**k you. I have muscles. I don’t need morals.

Is any special diet required to benefit fully from the wonder of this amazing muscle growing stuff? No, nothing at all.

So what exactly do I have to do in the four hours after taking the pills to make muscle grow? Surely there has to be something I have to do to build muscle? Apply your fake tan. Lots of it. And when you have done that, you should sit on your ass and watch television with a Big Mac and Coke.

Does the product contain steroids? My lawyer said I cannot discuss that.

Are there any side effects? There are one or two mild side effects but they generally only occur within the first 24 hours after taking the formula.

What are those side effects? Umm… you know. Just the usual side effects. But honestly, they only effect 75% of people who take the formula.

What are the side effects? Do I have to discu….. Oh I do. Ok, my lawyer says I have to mention this. The very mild side effects only affect three quarters of the people who take it. So don’t worry.It’s nothing hugely uncommon.

So what are they, jackass? Ah. Just dizziness, vomiting and death.

Awesome… where do I get mine? www.getrippedoffcompletely.com/steroidaddicts

Coming soon…. miracle cure for obesity. Be completely stick thin in just three minutes!

I initially wrote this last year and published it in one of the in world copies of ‘Pixel Scoop’ I was doing at the time. However, as it’s festive and I’m feeling a little Christmassy, I though I would regurgitate it!

Twas the night before Christmas and all round the grid,
Were sickeningly happy, excited av kids.
The vampires were hunting the newbies in force,
Their overpriced HUDs decked in Holly, of course.

The griefers on sandboxes thought they were King,
The gangstas has Christmas trees all decked in bling.
The nekos wore antlers in place of their ears,
And I just soaked up all this rare festive cheer.

All was relaxing on this Christmas Eve,
A little too simple, quite hard to believe.
The spirits were high and the lag stats were low,
But all of a sudden, well, whaddya know?

Nobody hid their incredible shock,
At the sight of the big ugly dialog box,
It said, ‘Look here guys, we know it’s a pity,
But the grid’s going down cos our network is shitty.’

And one at a time, the people logged out,
The grid would be down now for hours now no doubt,
The status page promised that the update would,
But the waiting was too much to handle for some.

The spirit was dampened, the grid remained closed,
Some people vented while others just dozed.
So much disappointment and impatient rage,
When at last came an update on that status page.

“Hey folks, we’re sorry our service is shit,
The network is crumbling, the server’s in bits.
But try to be patient – have some festive cheer!
Cos when Christmas is over, we’re raising your tier!”

Second Life fashion blogs are copious…

Some are a whole lot better than others, and while I can appreciate the value of a good one (many of them really do include amazing photography as well), there’s nothing quite as dull as a bad fashion blog. The syndicator over at planet.worldofsl.com is really so full of fashion posts that I have stopped using that as a resource to catch up on the Second Life blogosphere as a whole.

Having a blog about Second Life, I find I tend to receive items from male fashion designers fairly frequently with a request that I review them. I always politely IM back and point out that I am not a fashion blogger. On a number of occasions, I have been asked further as to why I won’t do fashion posts. So let me explain why…

1. I spend a fortune on pixel clothes for my pixel poser of an avatar and yet end up wearing no more than about 4 different items. Ever.

2. Wtf do I know about fashion? I know pants go on your legs, shoes go on your feet and shirts cover your torso. My knowledge starts and ends right there.

3. I don’t give a crap what people wear. Really. As soon as virtual vests and pixel pants can improve someone’s intelligence or personality, give me a shout. Until then, not for me thanks.

Don’t get me wrong…. I can appreciate how long designers spend on their designs and the best clothing in world is absolutely amazing. I have neither the time, patience nor talent to even consider designing clothing myself and so kudos to those who do. And as for the bloggers who blog on fashion in Second Life (the ones that do it well, at least) I think they provide a valuable service to designers.

But seriously… contrary to how it may look, not all bloggers want to blog on fashion.

Still want me to try?? Really…. alright, alright. I will have a go. Since you asked so nicely.

Look of the Day

So, today I’ve gone for the lazy, lounging around look. It’s cute. Like, totally cute. Like, zomg cute.

I call this 'Beach Babe'.

See, in coupling the oh so manly Superman Bikini with like trainers and socks, I have created something of a contrast. Am I beach babe or am I an old man with lacking fashion sense? The beauty of this design is in the fact that you can never really be quite sure. See… I am great fashionista cos I’ve totally got the poses.

You KNOW you want this look....

The trainers came from House of Curios and I can’t remember how much they cost. See. I am an informative fashion blogger. They were not expensive. Like… umm… 40L or so? And the socks were a very complex creation by me. Damn I’m hot.

Flat chested is the new boob job.

The bikini was made by me. Cos see, by having a Superman logo on there, I have made an otherwise feminine bikini like totally masculine and manly and ROAR. Zomg I’m cute. Like totally cute.

BEHAVE!

No outfit is complete without a coin purse……

NOTE:- THIS IS WHY I DO NOT FASHION BLOG!

Astrologers are full of shit.

So much so, that I thought I would have a go. How hard can it be. I am starting this series with Aries. Because… my psychic powers tell me this is a good thing to do.

Aries – The Coming Week

This week is a bad week for building. The Lindens might do maintenance and then you’ll lose all your prims. I see LURVE in the colours pink and blue. No, hold on… that’s just your resolution set. Someone whose name ends in ‘Gossipgirl’ will piss you off. It’s a bad week for work because you are spending too much time in Second Life and your boss does not appreciate you knocking pixels with newbies on staff time. I see prims. Lots of prims. And umm… my non-existent crystal ball tells me that you’ll crash at least twice this week.

I’m good, aren’t I?

I’ve made no secret of my opinions on Second Life™ weddings.

I hate them. They make me want to stamp on my own eyes (I don’t even know how I would do that)!

But I won’t bitch about Second Life weddings… not today at least. Instead, I will take a positive spin on the whole topic (yay, can you feel the happy vibes? Roses, butterflies and good things in general?) and talk about how you can use the time at a random Second Life wedding productively.

Now, even those who might not admit to hating Second Life weddings, will probably admit to finding them a little bit dull when they are an hour and a half in and the bride is STILL typing all manner of mushball stuff about how their pixels met across a crowded room. But there are some people for whom you just have to be there, right? There are some weddings you can’t miss… however much you would rather be walking over burning hot coals with no shoes on. All is not lost. Your time can be used productively at a wedding.

PLEASE NOTE THAT BEFORE EMBARKING UPON PRODUCTIVE USE OF TIME AT SECOND LIFE WEDDINGS, YOU SHOULD ENSURE THAT YOU HAVE  A NUMBER OF GESTURES TO HAND. ONE SHOULD SAY, “OMG YOU GUYS, SO SWEET.” ANOTHER SHOULD SAY, “AWW… I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS.” YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER THAT SAYS “YOU GUYS LOOK SO PERFECT TOGETHER,” AND A FINAL SIMPLE “CONGRATULATIONS!”

Once you have those to hand, you are ready to embark upon the productive use of your time at weddings, safe in the knowledge that you will be able to fake that you’re paying attention with the simple press of a gesture shortcut. Here are ten alternatives to actually paying attention to anything going on – and they are all a billion times more productive than doing so.

1. Sort through your inventory

Yes, we have to start with the obvious one. I do not advise that you sort through anything that requires you to rezz items. Apparently the bride does not appreciate having a plywood house called “Object,” rezzed on her head. Sheesh, some people.

2. Profile Whore

Being a profile whore at a wedding is a great way to pass the time and an amazing way to work out what drama is going on. With a group of 20 plus people who know each other in Second Life, you can guarantee someone has some bitchiness in their profile.

3. Guess who is sleeping with who

Ok, a group of twenty people in Second Life all in the same place tells me there are a lot of pixels rubbing behind closed doors. Perhaps use the information gathered from your profile whoring to work out who is sleeping with who.

4. Flirt with the bridesmaid

Now, I’m Mr. Monogamy these days and am partnered to the beautiful Skylar Smythe. So I no longer engage in this one. But… it is fun and it does pass the time. Set your sights on one of the bridesmaids prior to checking out their profiles. And then, regardless of partnered status or otherwise, your challenge for the rest of the wedding is to get her to agree to going dancing with you later on. A variation of this game is to see how many people in the wedding you can persuade to go out with you. This also works the other way for the ladies… the best man is prime meat!

5. Rate the avatars of random strangers (male and female and all at the wedding) and inform them.

Maybe there’s a guy there whose shirt is really ugly. He’s a 2 out of 10. The chick, however, with the great butt… she’s a 9. Tell everyone at the wedding how they rate.

6. Take snapshots and vandalise them in Photoshop

You can do this quickly enough that, by the end of the wedding, you can actually present your friends with a beautiful album of pictures…. on which each of their faces have been replaced by the buttocks of a gorilla.

7. Cross dress.

A magical gender change in the middle of the ceremony. Productive? Maybe not. Fun? Probably not, no. Better than the wedding? Absolutely.

8. Declare to everyone that you have changed species and are now a dog.

Respond to all weddingy things with an appropriate woof as everyone else applauds. Typing, “/me pisses against the pew,” is not advised. Well… maybe a little bit.

9. Harass everyone who shares your first name.

Once people at the wedding are sufficiently pissed off with you, you will want to leave them be for a while and be well behaved. So go through everyone who shares your first name and teleport them to the wedding. A reunion!! YAY!

10. Play inapproriate sound files.

“Do you Random Avie take Mr. Marriage to be your pixel husband??” That is your cue to play that sound file of Homer Simpson having an orgasm with Cartman from South Park.

Don’t say I never help you guys!

SLOcto Mom hit Pixel Headlines when she gave birth to Second Life’s first SLOctuplets back in January.

8 months on and Pixel Scoop sent Skylar Smythe along to see how SLOcto Mom is getting on.

Please note that no prim babies were harmed during the production of this report. Actually, that’s a lie. Let me rephrase, only 3 prim babies were harmed during the production of this report. But they’re copiable, so really it’s no big deal.

Who and what did we use for this Second Life spoof?

Pixel Scoop Reporter – Skylar Smythe
SLOcto Mom, Breda Lott – Lisa Launay
Pixel Do-Gooder, Sandra Beamont – Bubbles Komachi
Written and mediocrely machinima-ed by Josue Habana

Vampire, gangster, SLoctuplets and robot babies created by Beasil Roundfield and available by clicking here.

Filmed largely at the Missing Mile Trailer Park in Second Life, a very cool location owned by Loch Newchurch. Click here to visit in world.

Let me tell you all a tale,
Of a man and his virtual wife,
A tale that begins in a little known place
That goes by the name, ‘Second Life.’
Now as any good teller of tales will profess,
It serves but to cause deep offence,
To omit introducing the character list
Before you decide to commence.
So let me present to you Sally and Bob,
The heroes of this pixel tale.
Sally’s an escort, doesn’t use voice,
Cos in real life Sally’s a male!
Bob is a camper by Second Life trade,
He’s truly a man at his peak,
A super successful sitter-arounder
On fifty-nine Lindens a week!
The story begins some three weeks ago,
When Bob, in his usual fashion,
Was sitting around in a copybot mall,
Saving up for some hot pixel passion.
At the very same time in a new escort joint,
Sally was earning a ton.
It seems she’s talented, very much so,
When it comes to the text pixel fun!
But back at the mall, things were not going well,
For poor, lonely, horny, old Bob.
At the rate of his pay, he’d have to stay there
A month to afford a blow job!
He sighed and he cried and moaned out aloud,
Stood up and he screamed, “That’s enough,”
He TPed away to that same escort joint
Where our Sally was strutting her stuff!
He only planned to look around,
His cash flow being such,
That he could only perv and stare,
Could not afford to touch.
And that was fine, he knew the line,
He’d just watch them prancing,
But when he saw our Sally’s moves
His Xcite! started dancing!
His eyes were wide and focussed on
Her slender pixel frame.
She caught his glance and stopped her dance
And stared at him the same!
She stepped down from her dance pole,
And right there, in open chat,
Typed, “Bobby, baby, you and I…
A freebie. Fancy that?”
And so began a love affair,
That blew them both away.
Deciding they were soul mates,
They got married that same day.
They partnered up and got a plot,
On a flat and grid-styled sim,
It wasn’t much to look at
But they had a thousand prims!
They got a pixel cottage,
A stable and a shed,
An animated shower
And a freebie sex-gen bed.
However, what they failed to do,
Was use pixel protection,
And in their first five days
They had 6 kids and 4 infections!
But this did not deter their love,
Their happiness remained…
Until week three, that is of course,
When things started to change.
The asset server crashed one day,
Deleted all their babies…
Their sim got lagged, their TPs failed,
Their pixel dog got rabies.
Linden Lab banned camping,
The adult changes came,
The escort clubs lost business
And things were not the same.
“Bob,” said Sally, just last week,
“You and I… we’re through.”
“No,” cried Bob, tears in his eyes,
“you can’t… I still love you.”
“I will not let you walk away,
You cannot. I forbid!!
And if you do, I’ll make ten alts
And stalk you round the grid.”
“Bob…” she said, her head hung low,
“I cannot be your wife.
I think that I should tell you.
I’m a guy in real life!”
Bob’s crying turned to laughter,
And he roared through eyes, still blurry
“Ha,” he screamed, “You think that’s bad?
“Well I’m a real life furry!”

I was cornered this morning by two friends (who will, after this post, undoubtedly try to kill me with some hideous weapon or other) complaining about their boyfriends. And the complaints really all boiled down to one thing:- The fact that their boyfriends have opinions. How terrible.

So….. I made them a little something (and then listed it as a freebie on XStreet)

Now before I share this, allow me to hopefully prevent the throwing of large ceramic items in my general direction by stating, for the record, that I know not all women want opinionless boyfriends. So no need to hit me with anything, I am already aware of that. So no, I am not a chauvinist pig, I don’t think 100% of women are neurotic. Put the heavy items down!

Anyhow… here’s what I did…

Want one??? Get hold of it by clicking here!

Want to kill my pixels for this? You’ll find me on a giant boat on Aurora Cove (with bodyguards).

Maybe you know the famous poem by William Henry Davies called ‘Leisure’. For those of you who don’t, you can read that by clicking here. It’s the one that starts, ‘What is this life if full of care, we have no time ti stand and stare.’ Beautiful poem actually, rather simple.

Anyway, here is my own Second Life™ version, since I evidently have too much time on my hands.

What is this life if, due to bling,
We’re far too blind to see a thing?

Too blind to see the newbies fly,
To see them build, at least to try.

Too blind to see the gangster’s shoes,
So big they look just like canoes.

Too blind to see the griefing scenes,
By all those pre-pubescent teens.

Too blind to watch the Lindens frown,
When asset servers all go down.

Too blind to see the pixel passion,
Or teleport in timely fashion.

I’d like to see so many things,
So please stop blinding me with BLING!

In celebration of my superbly festive mood (still) I have reworked another Christmas classic to fit the crazy world of Second Life™.

Vampire bite,
Bling so bright,
Teleports,
Human flight!
Changing waist size in just one click!
Purchasing nipples and asses and dicks
Only here in SL™!
Only here in SL!

Griefers with tools,
Sad little fools,
Shouldn’t they
Be at school?
Gangstas with rifles in place of their brains,
Sad little weirdos with dollar sign chains,
Plenty here in SL,
Plenty here in SL!