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It seems as though everyone is obsessed with Twilight. I have taken my son to see the films and thought they were… well… average. I’m blatantly not the target market. A sullen, sunken-faced vampire with a glittery chest falls head over heels in love with a moody teenage human who is also kind of into said Vampire’s arch enemy, the part time Werewolf . I’m thinking it’s more for the teenage female audience than me. But anyway… the marketing is incredibly clever and the brand has become huge, second, perhaps, only to Harry Potter.

It goes without saying then that Linden Lab, like everyone else, will want to cash in on the rise in popularity of “vampires.”

They even went as far as using avatars clearly made to resemble to Twilight characters in their marketing and have now set up a page dedicated to helping people to find their Vampire clan, here.

What is perhaps more laughable is the fact that the first one on here is ‘Bloodlines.’ Now, I’m not claiming to be a Vampire expert or anything, but if Twilight fans join Second Life specifically for vampire roleplay, I’m thinking Bloodlines might not be what they are looking for. At no point in any of the Twilight films did I see a Vampire ask for permission to bite someone – nor did I see any humans report these Vampires to an authority for spam. It really takes the bite out of vampirism (pardon the pun) to have it all messed up with HUDs and inconvenient spam reports, doesn’t it?

I know little about the other clans and honestly, it’s just not my thing. But what I do know about Bloodlines is that it’s essentially a viral spamming game! I’ve said before that I find the concept bizarre at best. I just think that if Linden Lab are going to try and pull people in off the back of Twilight, they’d be best encouraging some of the more authentic Vampire clans!

Dear Bloodlines,

My name is Dracula and I write in regard to some of your practices. It seems that the way in which you do things is beginning to raise eyebrows back at Vampire Headquarters.

Now, I am certainly not the overlord of all things Vampiric. However, I am regarded as something of a figurehead for our kind and certainly have been around long enough to have seen the progression of our species. I therefore feel it my duty to bring to your attention the following points I made upon observing your kind for a number of weeks.

1. The process of becoming a vampire really isn’t anything to do with your silly HUD. Honestly, a button that turns off the blood from your fangs? Really? Come off it! The best way to remove the Blood from your fangs is to lick them dry!

2. Sending a message to people prior to biting them really is incredibly bizarre. For centuries our kind have hunted in urban areas, rural areas…everywhere the world wide. But never once have we sent anyone a message asking their permission for a bite? It just doesn’t work like that. Might I suggest instead that your people spend some time practicing the lurking in dark alleys method and jumping out on people, a means preferred by some of the more amateur among our kind.

3. Storing the names of the souls you have taken on bloody databases is ludicrous! You don’t need to add your lunch to your Christmas card list! What do you think we did prior to server farms and computers? Nothing! You don’t need to know the name of your latest snack! And if you do want to brag about your bites, then do so verbally and informally. If anyone is going to win the prize for most human blood drank it is me! So you’re all wasting your time anyway!

4. What is with the crazy facial animation you all make when you bite someone? You’re having a snack… you’re not constipated! Your eyes don’t need to fly out of their sockets. Honestly, people, in my early days if I had seen our kind looking like that, I would have sent them to surgeons to get help with their facial distortion.

5. Who on Earth invented this potion thing you can drink to reclaim your soul? I need say nothing more than what a con.

So as you see there are a number of items of concern. In fact, looking back over I have to put it to you that you are not vampires at all, but instead are a form of extra terrestrial attention whores. I cannot think of a catchier name, I am afraid. If you believe me to be wrong and insist upon maintaining that you are indeed vampires, then might I suggest you invest in a copy of “Being Vampires for Dummies.”

Regards,

Count Dracula